


I did NOT fucking sign up for this

by wannabe_someone



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Global Pandemic, M/M, Multi, need to read shelter order by deniigiq for this to make sense, only T for a shit ton of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 06:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23966710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabe_someone/pseuds/wannabe_someone
Summary: All they had wanted was a fucking normal day, but apparently that was too much to ask for. They gave themselves a minute to relax, then peeled their ass off of the couch. There was work to do, goddammit. It was NOT the time to sit around.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers & his publicist
Comments: 18
Kudos: 137





	I did NOT fucking sign up for this

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [shelter order](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23278078) by [deniigiq](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deniigiq/pseuds/deniigiq). 



Zane had thought that today would be a good day, damn it. They had wanted it to be a good day. They would do EVERYTHING within their power to make it a good day. But America’s ass(hole) went and fucked it all up.

If there was anything good about the terror known as Covid-19, it meant that Cap had gone relatively silent. No rants they had to deal with, no events he had gone to unplanned, no nothing. His healthy dose of paranoia about getting others infected really had helped them, as he was the absolute model of what to do while social distancing. Zane didn’t mind. They’d finally been able to finish their miles long queue of things to read, and their apartment had never been cleaner. They’d even just started to get bored. 

When they’d said they wanted their boredom to end, it wasn’t like this. This was the nightmare scenario, a call for all hands on deck, almost worse than whenever Cap got utterly pissed off and started ranting about capitalism on twitter. Right when they saw the alert, they put their head in their hands, preparing for the disaster.

All they had wanted was a fucking normal day, but apparently that was too much to ask for. They gave themselves a minute to relax, then peeled their ass off of the couch. There was work to do, goddammit. It was NOT the time to sit around.

First step: Hair. This one was always the hardest, since they’d learned long ago that the easiest way to get respect in the Rogers-Barnes-Wilson household was through perfect victory curls. 

At least for Rogers and Barnes. Sam was a perfectly reasonable and respectful human being, and they absolutely did NOT understand how he put up with the other two. As they started to brush out their hair, they got a text from Sam.

Sam

He’s ranting abt becoming private property again  
You should prob get over here its on the chat being posted on twitter

They sighed, deeper this time and started rolling up their hair. If it was really as bad as it seemed, everything would need to be perfect. As they looked at their reflection, they realized that today, they really wanted to do sharp, sharp makeup. Perfect for the cutting glances they would be serving up - from the appropriate distance, of course.

They dressed quickly, trying to look intimidating and professional with bare minimum of caring. It was warm out, so instead of a winter jacket, they put on a leather one before heading out the door, making sure to grab their scarf before they went out. The scarf was long and could be wrapped around their face instead of a mask, since they didn’t have the supplies to make a cloth one.

Once they got to the Rogers-Barnes-Wilson household, they were out of patience. The entire way there, their phone had buzzed non-stop, all about Cap’s ranting, all from Sam. 

Zane would have rolled their eyes at Rogers’ drama, but if they’d come out of the womb flamboyant, then Cap had as well. They were honestly surprised that nobody had realized he was queer in the 40’s with all of the theatrics he’d constantly put on. Anyone should have realized that Steve and Bucky were a thing with how clingy they were.

They strode up to the door, ringing the bell. The Caps and Bucky had definitely put their insane amount of money to good use, taking up half of a small building. They rung the doorbell, waited 10 seconds, then rang again.

They imagined the scene inside and smirked. Sam had even sent them video of Barnes and Steve when they’d called at one point. The best way of describing their actions was that they were running around like headless chickens.

They enjoyed being that intimidating. It made Steve easier to work with. 

From their point on the steps, they could hear someone approaching. They quickly backed up, making sure to stay at the bottom, six feet away. The door opened and they looked up, seeing Sam. He shrugged.

“Hey Zane.”

They waved at him, smiling even though he couldn’t see. He smiled back, though, so it’s clear he got the message

“I’d invite you inside, but…”

“I understand. Rain check?”

Sam smiled. “I’ll definitely owe you a thousand cookies after this day. Thanks for handling this... pal. You didn’t have to come.”

Zane stared at him. “This is my job. I have to come anyways, I’m the only one who’s good at dealing with Cap.”

Sam nodded, knowing it was true. “Guess we’re both in charge of damage control.”

Zane and Sam exchanged a grim smile, knowing they both had to take care of Cap; Sam trying to get him to stay sane in any way possible and Zane shielding him from the worst of what he said. Both in the line of defending Cap. 

Zane was pretty sure that they’d eventually die in that line of duty.

Sam walked back, closing the door behind him. A minute later, America’s Ass was in the doorway, the rest of the government’s property facing them.

“Steven Grant Rodgers. Do you know what you have done?” they demanded. “I could have been at home, watching Netflix on the couch with my cat, but instead I’m doing damage control!”

Steve opened and closed his mouth several times, but they continued their tirade.

“I understand that you’re an IT to the government, but human trafficking?! Really?”  
They folded their arms, letting him stew in his own stupidity for a moment before pointing at him.

“Here is what you will do. You will go inside, apologize and acknowledge the idiocy of that comment in that chat, and then you will get your shit together. Listen to Sam, he knows what he’s doing. And I don’t want to deal with anything else like this for another week, you hear?”

Steve looked sorry, which meant their job was done. “I will... do that.” He started to turn, then looked back at them. “Thank you for coming here, Captain.”

“It’s my job.” They intentionally left out the last part; that they’d signed up for this to protect him. He did not need any more guilt.

Once they were sure Steve was far enough away, they dropped their head into their hands, massaging their temples. They’d earned that drink and the Netflix marathon waiting for them at home. Especially since Steve Rodgers, America’s dumbass, had forced them outside in the middle of a global fucking pandemic. Sam owed them more than cookies after this, he owed them an entire damn spa day.


End file.
